A Series of Unfortunate Alchemists
by Teh Okamiluva
Summary: This is a parody of A Series of Unfortunate Events, FMA style. I hope to be as accurate as possible.
1. Prologue

If you are interested in fanfictions with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other fanfiction. In this fanfiction, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not many happy things happened in the lives of the three Elric youngsters. Winry, Edward, and Alphonse were intelligent children, and they were charming, and resourceful, and had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely unlucky, and most everything that happened to them was ripe with misfortune, misery, and despair. I'm sorry to tell you this, but that is how the story goes.

( this is the prologue, more will come later)


	2. In which our protagonists' are described

Their misfortune began one day at Risembool river. The three Elric children lived with parents in a Rural, two-story house in the heart of the boondocks, and occasionally their parents gave them permission to take a rickety train---the word "rickety," you would probably know, here means "unsteady" or "Likely to collapse"--- to the river, where the day as a sort of vacation as long as they were home for dinner.

This particular morning, it was gray and cloudy, which didn't bother the Elric youngsters one bit. When it was hot and sunny, Risembool River was crowded with tourists and it was impossible to find a place to lay one's blanket. On gray and cloudy days, the Elrics had the beach to themselves, to do what they liked.

Winry Elric ( I know she's not, but for practical purposes…), the eldest, liked to skip rocks. Like most fourteen-year-olds, she was right-handed, so the rocks skipped farther across the glistening water when Winry used her right hand, than when she used her left.

As she was looking out at the horizon and thinking about an invention she wanted to build. Anyone who knew Winry well could tell she was thinking hard, because her long hair would be tied up into a ribbon to keep it from disturbing her eyes. Winry had a real knack for inventing and building strange devices, so her brain was often filled with images of pulleys, levers, and gears, as such, she would have despised being bothered by something so inane as a lock of her blonde hair. This particular morning, she was pondering as to how to construct a device that rocks that had been previously thrown.

Edward Elric, the middle child, and eldest boy, liked to examine the frogs in the miniature marshes that formed at the banks of the river. Edward was just above the age of twelve, and wore his hair in s braid, which made him look highly educated. He was intelligent. The Elric's parents had a vast library within their humble home, a room filled with seemingly infinite knowledge on every subject. Being the age that he was, Edward obviously had not yet read all of the books in the depths of the Elric library. Nonetheless, he had indeed read a numerous amounts of them, and had allowed himself to relish in the information obtained. He knew how to differentiate between a crocodile chimera and an alligator chimera, he knew who had slain the previous Fuhrer, and he knew many details pertaining to the slippery, water-spitting amphibians located at Risembool river, which he was currently examining.

Alphonse Elric, the youngest, liked to transmute things. He was an infant, and very small for his age, hardly the size of the very computer you may be reading this off of. What he presently lacked in size, however, was accounted for in his swiftness in drawing and activating transmutation circles accurately. Alphonse was of the age at where one is interested in other languages. Other times, however, he switch from his commonly used Japanese, to using proper English, such as "Mama," or "Eddy", and although most passerby would be immediately confused with such talk, His Brother and sister understood accordingly.

As of this moment, however he presently spoke this sentence, "Miru ni sore fushigi na katachi dete kuru kara ano kiri!", which could be translated as "Look at that Mysterious figure emerge from the fog!"

True to his words, on the ledge looming over the river bank, mist enshrouding the intruder in a sense of foreboding gloom as it strode foreword, towards the Elric children. Alphonse had already started ranting and raving in Japanese at the apparition for some time before Edward looked up from the toad he was examining, and spotted it as well. He slowly turned and tapped Winry on the shoulder, awaking her from her mechanical trance.

"Look at that," Edward stated bluntly, pointing dully towards the figure. It was drawing nearer, and the trio could begin to make out its shape slightly. It was the slim, heightened form of an adult, but wearing what appeared to be a triangular shaped hat.


	3. The Fire

"What do you think it is?" Winry asked.

"I don't know," Edward whispered, squinting at it, " but apparently it has something to with something about us."

"We're alone along the bank," Winry stated nervously, "so there's little else it could be walking towards".

She fingered the slender, smooth stone in her left hand, which she was about to chuck as hard as she could across the water. The thought flashed across her mind to aim it towards the approaching figure, intimidating as it was.

"It only appears frightening," Edward began, as if reading his sister's thoughts, "because of the surrounding mist."

This was probably true. As the apparition happened upon them, the children were relieved that it was not some vicious madman, but rather, a familiar face: A Mr. Roy Mustang. Mr. Mustang was a longtime friend of both Mr. and Mrs. Elric, and the children knew him to be rather sickly at times, but otherwise harmless. One of the favorable attributes the Elrics found in their parents, was that they were never dismissed when company made itself present, instead, allowing them to join in the festivities with the adults, that is, so long as they cleared the table afterwards. He was recognizable to the Elric trio, due to the constant visiting and cough he had, which he always excused himself to hack up a lung in the other room.

Mr. Mustang took off his large, military hat, making his face look oddly triangular in the mist earlier, paused, and erupted into a fit of jerking coughs while pulling out a white handkerchief. Winry and Edward approached him to shake his hand and say hello.

"How are you?" asked Winry.

"How do you do?" Edward stated formally.

"Donna yosu de suru kimi suru?" added Alphonse.

"Fine, thank you ," replied Mr. Mustang, but his looks betrayed his response; a devastated look shone in his eyes. As though time had stopped, a hush fell upon the group, the Elrics wondering why such a sickly man as Mr. Mustang had traveled down to this cold and desolate place, when currently, he should have been occupied at the military office where he worked. It was clear he was not dressed for the weather.

"It's a nice day, no?" Winry spoke, finally breaking the ice. Alphonse muttered something under his breath, and Edward picked him up and held him.

"Quite," Mr. Mustang responded absently, staring out on the horizon, obviously distracted, " I'm afraid I have some terrible news to inform you children."

The trio listened intently, awaiting Mr. Mustang's next sentence. Winry was suddenly taken aback, as she realized she had nearly thrown a blunt missile ( Also known as "Rock"), at Mr. Mustang.

"Your parents," Mr. Mustang started, "have just perished in a terrible fire."

The children didn't respond.

"They perished," Mr. Mustang continued, "In a fire that also incinerated your entire house. I am extremely sorry to have to inform you of this tragedy, my dears."

Winry glanced away from Mr. Mustang and towards the ever rippling and running waters of Risembool River. She was pondering as to why Mr. Mustang had addressed them as "My dears", as he had never done so before. She had understood the obvious meaning of what he had spoken, but assumed that this must be a horrible prank, a horrible joke was playing her, and her two brothers.

"Perished," Mr. Mustang repeated, " means 'killed.'"

"We _know_ what the word 'perished' means!" Edward growled irritably. This was true, they did know what the meaning of the word was, but they could not comprehend the intensity of that one sentence. It seemed to them that Mr. Mustang had misspoken, a slight of tongue, if you will.

"The local fire department arrived on the scene, of course," Mr. Mustang droned listlessly, " but they were far too late. The entire house had been swallowed up in flames, and was burnt to the ground."

Edward envisioned all of his favorite, and all of the books he had yet to read, engulfed in flames.

Mustang coughed hoarsely several times into his handkerchief before continuing.

"I was sent to retrieve you here, and to house you at my abode, where you'll stay for some time until things are sorted out. I was in charge of your parents'… well, for now, I shall call it 'special object', and executor of their property. That means I will hold onto the land and the object, until Winry comes of age. When that occurs, the object and the land will be yours, but until then, the military has control of both."

Although Mr. Mustang had dubbed himself the 'executor', Winry felt more as though he were an executioner. He had nonchalantly dropped a bomb on them, and changed their lives in a very legally binding sense.

"Follow me," Mustang stated solemnly, his hand outstretched. In the event to take place, reaching for Mustang's hand that is, Winry had to allow the stone to slip away from her fingertips. Edward grasped her opposite hand, and Alphonse gripped his. Thus, the trio of Elric children---the Elric orphans, now--- were led away, just like that, from the peaceful waters of Risembool River, and their previous lives as well.


End file.
